Bargaining

Bargaining

The bargaining stage of grief is often characterised by thoughts or attempts to “negotiate” with the loss in some way.

People may have a sense of desperation, thinking things like, “If I had done this differently, maybe they would still be here,” or “I promise I’ll be a better person if only I can have one more day with them.” Bargaining can take many forms, from internal dialogues to conversations with a higher power, but the common thread is the desire to reverse or undo the loss, even though it is out of one’s control.

However, it’s important to note that grief does not unfold in a linear manner, and not everyone will experience bargaining, or similar emotions. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve, and the stages – including bargaining – are not set in stone.

Many people feel pressure to conform to specific stages, as described in traditional models of grief. However, it’s vital to recognise that grief is a deeply personal experience. People may experience a range of emotions at different times and in different orders, or they may not identify with the concept of stages at all.

Tips for Navigating ‘Bargaining’

“Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed by grief, wondering if only things had turned out differently? Have you had thoughts like, ‘What if I had done more, or acted sooner?’“

Acknowledge Your Feelings
Recognise that thoughts like “If only I had done this differently” or “I would change everything if I could have one more chance” are natural parts of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment. They are expressions of your deep desire to reverse the loss.

Shift from “What Ifs” to “What Now?
While it’s easy to get stuck in the cycle of “what could have been,” try to gently guide your focus toward the present and future. Ask yourself, “What can I do right now to honour my loved one?” Focusing on meaningful actions can help ground you in the present moment.

Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Grief often brings up feelings of guilt or regret, but remember, no one can change the past. Practicing self-compassion can help you move through the bargaining phase without adding unnecessary pressure to yourself.

Express Your Emotions
Writing about your feelings or talking to someone you trust can help release the emotional weight that comes with bargaining. Sometimes, putting those “what if” thoughts into words helps you process them more effectively.

“Bargaining often takes the form of a silent wish, ‘If I could only have one more chance to do this over.’ We may bargain with the hope that something can be done to reverse the loss.” – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying

Watch the video here to learn more about our approach to grief and how we support those navigating loss.

Read more about the ‘Stages of Grief’ and other ways of looking at loss

Our ‘Stages of Grief’ page provides a comprehensive overview of the grieving process, focusing on the five stages of grief introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and offers a deeper understanding of how grief can be experienced. You will learn about the origins of the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief, including their historical context and how they’ve shaped the way we think about loss.

In addition to the five stages, the page also explores additional stage models of grief that have emerged over time, giving you a broader perspective on different frameworks that people use to understand their emotional responses during grief.