Have you ever bumped into a colleague returning from bereavement leave and drawn a blank on what to say? You’re not alone. Many of us struggle with navigating conversations about loss.
To be blunt, there’s no magic formula to erase someone’s pain. But there are ways to turn an awkward encounter into a moment of genuine (and valuable) support.
An Encounter with a Grieving Colleague
Let’s think about an example of how a conversation with a grieving colleague may go. Mark just returned from leave after the sudden loss of his mother. Mark shows signs of being visible upset. His colleague wants to offer comfort, but struggles through the interaction. She provides well-meaning yet unsolicited advice, and also compares their loss to her own past experiences of grief.
“Have you considered getting some regular exercise? It could really make a difference in how you feel. I remember when my cousin passed away, I went through a tough time, but staying active helped me cope and eventually things started to feel a bit lighter.”
Despite not intending to, Sarah has left Mark feeling unheard and isolated.
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This scenario is, unfortunately, far from uncommon. These interactions could probably be seen in workplaces across the UK on any given day. So let’s look at some areas for improvement…
- Ignoring Cues: By reacting to Mark’s visible distress with a comment to try and provide a tool to help (“exercising”), she didn’t acknowledge his emotional state, missing the opportunity to offer comfort.
- Unsolicited Advice: Telling him “you’ll feel better eventually” undermined the validity of his grief.
- Comparisons: Bringing up her own experience shifted the focus away from Mark’s unique situation.
- Breaking Silence: She avoided the uncomfortable silence, not allowing Mark space to process his emotions.
Shifting the Focus to Meaningful Support
Now, let’s explore how Sarah could have handled the situation differently:
- Acknowledge the Loss: By saying, “I’m so sorry to hear about your mother, Mark,” she validates his experience.
- Active Listening: Instead of offering advice, she simply listens and allows Mark to express his feelings.
- Respecting Silence: Sometimes, silence speaks volumes. Allowing space for Mark to process his emotions shows genuine empathy.
- Offering Open-Ended Support: She suggests grabbing lunch or going for a walk, letting Mark decide the level of interaction he’s comfortable with.
- Following Up: Sarah continues to check in with Mark, demonstrating her ongoing support.
The Takeaway: Imperfect Support is Better Than No Support at All
The truth is, we will all make mistakes during these conversations. But here’s the good news: a misstep doesn’t have to be the end of the story.
- Acknowledge Errors: If you say something insensitive, apologise and explain your intentions.
- Focus on Empathy: Remember, even if your words aren’t perfect, your effort to show compassion goes a long way.
Remember, It’s the Gesture, Not the Script
Talking about grief is a skill that takes practice. But by focusing on being present, offering empathy, and respecting boundaries, you can move beyond awkward encounters and create a space for authentic support.
Photo by Andreea Avramescu on Unsplash
🧠 Explore How the ‘Stages of Grief’ Work
The “stages” of grief are one of the most familiar frameworks people turn to when trying to understand loss – yet they’re often interpreted too literally.
Our Stages of Grief guide breaks down where the model came from, what each stage represents, and how it can offer insight without suggesting grief moves in tidy steps.
Explore the page to learn:
📘 A clear explanation of what the Five Stages do – and don’t – mean
🧭 Why grief shifts over time rather than progressing in order
🌊 How emotions can rise and fall in waves
🧩 Other grief models that may resonate more deeply with your experience
