How to Support a Grieving Colleague

Death and grief: Two topics often met with uncomfortable silence. A survey by the Dying Matters Coalition found that a staggering 83% of people in Britain feel uneasy discussing dying and death. However, this silence can be isolating for those experiencing loss.

So, what can you do? How can you reach out and support a grieving colleague without feeling awkward or resorting to cliches?

Here we equip you with the tools to navigate these difficult conversations, offering genuine support and fostering a more open and supportive workplace environment.

Supporting Your Grieving Colleague – What to Do…

Express Condolences Honestly

Offering simple, heartfelt condolences is more valuable than staying silent. For instance, you could say, “I’m truly sorry to hear about your father. I’ve been thinking of you.”

Use Their Words

Mirror the language they use to describe the loss. Whether it’s “died,” “passed away,” or another term, using their choice of words can make them feel more at ease.

Check-In While Respecting Privacy

Gently ask about their well-being. Use phrases like, “How are you feeling today?” while ensuring a private, comfortable setting for discussion, possibly over a cup of tea or coffee. 

^^^ A study of 2,000 individuals (commissioned by CPJ Field) revealed that grieving employees are not being supported at work, both immediately following a death and in the weeks beforehand.

Encourage Discussion About the Deceased

Let them talk about the person who died. Avoid changing the subject, even if it feels tempting to do so. Talking about the deceased can be comforting, so take a few deep breaths, pause, and give them space to share.

Take Cues and Avoid Imposing Views

Once you start the conversation, follow their lead. Respect their emotions without forcing discussion. Avoid imposing your views or beliefs about the deceased or their loss, like…

“She lived a good life”

“You have to stay strong for everyone else”

“He’s in a better place now, free from pain”

“Time heals all wounds”

Give Them Space and Time

Avoid rushing the conversation. Allow them to express themselves at their own pace without feeling pressured. For instance, “I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk”.

Accept Difficult Emotions and Provide a Judgement-free Space

Grief isn’t just sadness. It can be anger, shock, guilt, relief, anxiety, sorrow, fear – and many emotions in between. Acknowledge their feelings, whatever they are. Don’t judge or suggest how they should feel.

“I’m here to listen, no matter what you’re feeling. You don’t have to explain or justify your emotions”

“Everybody experiences grief differently. You have every right to feel however you feel”

Offer Long-Term Support

Realise that they might need someone to talk to even months after the loss. Make a note of significant dates and offer support around those times. Initial support from others might fade, but your ongoing presence can be invaluable.

“I know things might get quieter as time passes, but if you ever feel like chatting or need anything, I’m just a call away”.

Returning to Work – Tips for Someone Who’s Grieving...

While the process of grief is never linear, over time a person may:

• Accept the reality of their loss.
• Allow themself to experience the pain of their loss.
• Adjust to a new reality in which the deceased is no longer present.
• Have other relationships.

For some, the experience of loss can be profoundly incapacitating, and does not improve over time. This is known as ‘complicated grief’. Signs that someone may be suffering from this (or from a condition such as PTSD, depression or anxiety) include:

• Intense grief consumes their thoughts
• Obsessive fixation on their loss, or alternately completely avoid reminders of the deceased.
• Persistent longing and difficulty accepting their absence.
• Feelings of numbness, bitterness, and purposelessness.
• Struggle to trust in others.
• Inability to find joy or reminisce positively.
• Struggling with everyday tasks and routines.
• Withdrawal from social interactions and self-isolation.
• Feelings of depression, profound sadness, guilt, or self-blame.
• Thoughts of personal responsibility for the death.
• Feeling as though life isn’t worth living.

Someone who is suffering from complicated grief may need to seek support in order to move forward with grief in a healthy way, and to regain a sense of normalcy in their lives.

Don’t Avoid Your Colleague 

Try not to delay reaching out to them. Silence communicates a lack of support and can unintentionally invalidate their feelings. Remember, grief is a natural response to loss, and your colleague needs understanding and compassion, not avoidance. 

By acknowledging their loss and offering support, demonstrate genuine care for your colleague during a difficult time.

Don’t Interrupt or Change the Subject

When your colleague chooses to share their loss, grant them your full attention and practise active listening. Avoid interrupting, maintain eye contact (if appropriate), and offering verbal cues of understanding like “I understand” or simply nodding. 

Let them talk freely about their loss, even if it feels awkward. This validates their feelings and supports them in their grief.