When we think about grief, we tend to think about sadness. But after someone dies, you may find yourself experiencing something else too: anxiety.
Perhaps you have started worrying that something will happen to someone else you love. You might be more conscious of your own health, find yourself imagining worst-case scenarios, or feel panicky when someone doesn’t answer their phone.
You may feel on edge without knowing why.
Sometimes the anxiety is physical. Your heart races. Your chest feels tight. You feel shaky, nauseous or breathless. You might struggle to sleep because your mind simply won’t switch off.
If this has happened to you, you are not alone. Anxiety can be part of grief.
What is grief anxiety?
Grief anxiety describes feelings of anxiety, fear or worry that arise or become more noticeable following a bereavement.
A death can change much more than our day-to-day lives. It can also change our assumptions about the world.
Before someone we love dies, we might know intellectually that people become ill, accidents happen and life is uncertain. But knowing that something can happen is very different from experiencing it.
After a bereavement, the possibility of loss is no longer abstract.
Something you desperately didn’t want to happen has happened.
That can leave the world feeling less predictable and less safe than it did before.
Why does grief cause anxiety?
There isn’t one single reason.
For some people, anxiety centres on the future:
How will I cope without them?
What will my life look like now?
How am I going to manage work, the children, the house or the finances?
For others, the death itself changes their perception of risk. If somebody you love has died, particularly following an illness or an unexpected death, you may become much more alert to the possibility that something else could go wrong.
A headache that you previously wouldn’t have thought twice about suddenly feels frightening.
Someone you love doesn’t answer their phone and your mind immediately jumps to the worst possible explanation.
Your partner is late home and you can’t settle until you know they’re safe.
The experience of losing someone can make danger feel much closer.
“I’m constantly worried someone else will die”
This is something many people experience following a bereavement.
Once you know what it feels like to lose somebody, the prospect of experiencing another loss can feel terrifying.
You might find yourself checking on people more often, worrying when family members travel, feeling frightened when someone becomes ill or needing reassurance that the people you love are okay.
For some people, these thoughts come and go. For others, they can begin to take up a great deal of mental space.
You may even find that moments that should feel enjoyable become difficult because part of your mind is waiting for something bad to happen.
This doesn’t mean that another loss is imminent.
It may be that your mind is trying very hard to protect you from being caught off guard again.
Health anxiety after a bereavement
Bereavement can also make us much more aware of our own bodies.
This may be especially noticeable if the person who died had an illness such as cancer, heart disease or another medical condition.
You might start noticing physical sensations you previously ignored. You may worry that a symptom means something serious, repeatedly check your body, search symptoms online or seek reassurance.
Sometimes there is also a fear of following the same path as the person who died.
This can be particularly difficult when there is a family history of an illness or when you are approaching the age the person was when they became ill or died.
It is important not to assume that new or concerning physical symptoms are caused by grief or anxiety. If you are worried about a symptom, speak to an appropriate healthcare professional.
Can grief cause panic attacks?
Anxiety isn’t only experienced as thoughts.
It can affect the body too.
You might experience:
- a racing or pounding heart
- sweating
- trembling or shaking
- dizziness
- nausea or an unsettled stomach
- feeling restless or unable to relax
- difficulty sleeping
- feeling breathless
- difficulty concentrating
- a feeling of dread or impending danger
For some people, anxiety can become intense enough to feel like panic.
That can be particularly frightening if you’ve never experienced it before. The physical sensations themselves can then create more anxiety: you notice your heart racing, become frightened by it, and the fear makes your heart race even more.
Understanding that anxiety can have very real physical effects can sometimes help make these experiences feel less mysterious.
Why do I feel anxious when nothing is actually happening?
One of the frustrating things about grief anxiety is that it doesn’t necessarily arrive at a logical moment.
You might cope remarkably well with something you expected to be difficult and then feel overwhelmed while sitting at home on an ordinary Tuesday.
Grief doesn’t always operate according to a timetable.
There may be obvious triggers – an anniversary, hospital appointment, news story, smell or memory – but sometimes you won’t be able to identify a trigger at all.
Your mind and body have been through something significant. Feeling anxious does not always mean that there is an immediate danger you need to solve.
Anxiety about being alone after someone dies
If the person who died was a partner, parent or somebody who played an important role in your everyday life, their absence can also bring very practical fears.
You may be doing things alone that you previously did together.
Going to appointments. Making financial decisions. Sleeping in the house. Looking after children. Travelling. Dealing with problems.
There can be an enormous difference between knowing that you are capable of doing something and feeling confident doing it without the person who used to be beside you.
Try not to expect yourself to adjust to every part of your changed life at once.
Confidence can be rebuilt gradually.
Avoiding things that make you anxious
When something frightens us, avoiding it can feel like the obvious solution.
If driving makes you anxious, you stop driving.
If being alone frightens you, you make sure somebody is always there.
If going somewhere reminds you of the person who died, you don’t go.
Avoidance can bring immediate relief, which makes it very tempting. But over time, our lives can become increasingly restricted around the things we’re frightened of.
When it feels manageable and safe to do so, taking small steps towards things you’ve been avoiding can help rebuild confidence.
The emphasis here is on small.
You don’t have to tackle everything at once.
What can help with grief anxiety?
There isn’t a single technique that will make grief or anxiety disappear, and what helps one person may not help another.
But there are some things you can try.
Notice what is happening
Sometimes simply recognising “this is anxiety” can create a little distance from the feeling.
Try noticing what happened immediately before you became anxious.
What were you thinking?
What did you fear was going to happen?
What did you feel in your body?
What did you do next?
Over time, you may begin to recognise patterns.
Bring yourself back to the present
Anxiety often pulls us into the future.
What if something happens?
What if I can’t cope?
What if I lose somebody else?
Grounding techniques can help bring your attention back to what is happening right now, rather than what your mind is predicting might happen.
That might mean noticing your feet against the floor, paying attention to the things you can see and hear around you, or slowing your breathing.
Keep some predictable routines
Bereavement can make life feel chaotic.
Small routines can provide little points of stability: getting up at roughly the same time, eating regularly, going for a walk, calling somebody at a particular point in the week or having a familiar evening routine.
They won’t remove grief, but predictability can be reassuring when so much else has changed.
Talk about what you’re frightened of
Anxious thoughts often become bigger when they stay entirely inside our heads.
Talking to someone you trust can help you put words around what you’re experiencing.
And sometimes it helps simply to hear another person say, “I understand why you would feel like that.”
Being with other people who have experienced bereavement can also reduce the feeling that you are the only person responding this way.
Practise calming techniques before you desperately need them
It can be difficult to learn a new relaxation technique when your anxiety is already at its highest.
Instead, practise when you are relatively calm.
Breathing exercises, relaxation exercises and grounding techniques can become more familiar with repetition, making them easier to draw upon during more difficult moments.
When should I get additional help?
There is no rule saying that you have to manage grief anxiety by yourself.
Consider speaking to your GP or another appropriate healthcare professional if anxiety is persistent, becoming more intense, significantly affecting your everyday life, or making it difficult to work, sleep, leave the house or do the things you need and want to do.
You should also seek medical advice about new or concerning physical symptoms rather than assuming they are caused by anxiety.
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or feel unable to keep yourself safe, seek urgent help.
Support with anxiety after bereavement
Grief can affect our emotions, thoughts, bodies and sense of safety in ways we may not expect.
If anxiety has become part of your grief, you don’t have to understand or manage all of it at once.
The Loss Foundation has free resources to help you understand anxiety in grief, including practical guidance, video resources, relaxation exercises and worksheets.
→ Read our guide to anxiety and grief
→ Watch our video guide: Understanding anxiety in grief
→ Explore our grief, sleep and anxiety resources
And if being around other people who understand loss might help, you can also explore The Loss Foundation’s bereavement support.
Grief can make the world feel less certain for a while. You don’t have to navigate that uncertainty entirely on your own.
Photo by Joice Kelly on Unsplash
