Supporting someone who is grieving: what to say, what to avoid, and how to be there
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Supporting someone who is grieving can feel challenging.
Many people worry about saying the wrong thing or not knowing how to help. In reality, you do not need perfect words – what matters most is showing up with care, presence, and empathy.
Grief is deeply personal, and there is no single “right way” to support someone. However, there are ways to communicate that feel more helpful, and approaches that can unintentionally feel dismissive or unhelpful.
This page offers guidance on what to say to someone who is grieving, what to avoid, and how to hold space for grief in a compassionate and supportive way.
What to say to someone when someone dies
When someone has died, it can be hard to know what to say. Simple, honest, and gentle language is often most supportive.
You do not need to fill silence or offer solutions. Acknowledging the loss and showing presence is often enough.
Helpful things you might say include:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “I’m thinking of you.”
- “I’m here if you want to talk or need anything.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
Explore our tools for grief
Explore our grief resources, bringing together practical tools, expert guidance, and psychological insights to help you cope with loss over time.
What to say to someone who is grieving
When someone is actively grieving, they may need space to talk, or they may not want to talk at all. Following their lead is important.
Supportive phrases can include:
- “Would you like to talk about them?”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
- “I can hear how much you’re going through.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
A note on “I can’t imagine how painful this is”
This is a phrase many people use when trying to show empathy, and it often comes from a place of care. However, it is not always experienced as helpful by someone who is grieving.
For some people, saying “I can’t imagine how painful this is” can feel slightly distancing, because it focuses on the speaker’s inability to relate rather than acknowledging the bereaved person’s experience directly. In moments of grief, people often benefit more from feeling understood in what they are going through, rather than being reminded that others cannot fully relate.
A more helpful approach is usually to gently name and validate the emotion you can see or hear, for example:
- “That sounds incredibly painful.”
- “I’m so sorry – this is really hard.”
- “I’m here with you.”
The key thing to keep in mind is that you do not need the perfect words. What matters most is warmth, presence, and acknowledging the reality of the person’s grief without trying to distance yourself from it.
What not to say
Even when well-intentioned, some phrases can feel unhelpful or invalidating. It is usually best to avoid:
- “They’re in a better place”
- “At least…”
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- “You’ll get over it with time”
These comments can unintentionally minimise the person’s experience or pressure them to feel differently than they do. They may also be upsetting because they can feel dismissive of the reality and intensity of what someone is going through, even when that is not the intention behind the words.
Grief can make people feel more sensitive, so words that are meant to comfort may sometimes not land as intended. Often the most helpful approach is to acknowledge the loss, listen, and stay present rather than trying to fix or reframe how someone feels.
Grief often involves adjusting to life after loss rather than “moving on” from it. This process takes time and tends to involve both difficult and more manageable periods as people gradually adapt in their own way.
Listening and holding space for grief
One of the most powerful ways to support someone is simply to listen.
Holding space for grief means being present without trying to fix, solve, or redirect the emotion. It involves allowing the person to express whatever they are feeling – sadness, anger, numbness, confusion – without judgement.
This can include:
- Sitting with silence without rushing to fill it
- Allowing emotional expression without interruption
- Being present without giving advice
- Letting the person guide the conversation
Often, people do not need answers. They need to feel heard and not alone.
Empathy vs sympathy
Understanding the difference between empathy and sympathy can be helpful when supporting someone who is grieving.
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone’s loss.
Empathy is trying to understand and connect with what the person may be experiencing.
Empathy tends to feel more supportive because it communicates emotional presence rather than distance. For example:
- Sympathy: “I feel so bad for you.”
- Empathy: “I can hear how painful this is for you.”
This short video explores the difference between empathy and sympathy, and why empathy can feel more supportive in grief.
Normalising grief
Grief can feel confusing and isolating. Normalising the experience can be very supportive.
You might gently reassure someone that:
- Grief does not follow a timeline
- Emotions can change from day to day
- There is no “right” way to grieve
- Intense or unexpected feelings are common
Normalising does not mean minimising – it means helping someone feel that their reactions are understandable.
Supporting someone in grief
Supporting someone who is grieving is not about saying the perfect thing. It is about being consistent, kind, and emotionally available in a way that feels safe for them.
Small actions often matter most, such as:
- Checking in regularly
- Offering practical help (meals, errands, messages)
- Remembering important dates
- Continuing to include them socially without pressure
Grief can feel isolating, and steady presence can make a meaningful difference.
Where next?
This page is part of our wider grief and bereavement hub, which brings together information on understanding loss, coping with grief, supporting others, and finding appropriate help when needed.
Supporting someone in grief – FAQs
To start a conversation about grief, use simple, gentle language and acknowledge the loss directly. You might say, “I’m really sorry about your loss” or “I’ve been thinking about you.” It is often best to keep the focus on listening and allowing the person to share as much or as little as they want.
To support a friend who is struggling with grief, use validating and compassionate language. Helpful phrases include “I’m here for you,” “That sounds really hard,” or “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Avoid trying to fix their grief and focus instead on listening and being present.
To support a friend who is grieving, offer consistent presence and practical help. This can include checking in regularly, listening without judgement, helping with everyday tasks, or simply spending time with them. Small, ongoing gestures often feel more supportive than one-off messages.
It can help to give a grieving person space, but this depends on their needs. Some people want solitude, while others prefer regular contact and support. The most helpful approach is to gently check in and follow their lead rather than assuming what they need.
To console someone who is grieving, offer empathy, presence, and simple acknowledgement of their loss. Saying “I’m so sorry” or “I’m here with you” can be more helpful than advice or explanations. Listening and allowing emotional expression is often the most supportive response.