After someone dies, feeling deeply sad can be an entirely natural part of grief.
You might cry frequently, struggle to get out of bed, lose interest in things you normally enjoy or find it difficult to imagine feeling happy again.
But when grief feels particularly heavy, you may start to wonder:
Am I grieving, or am I depressed?
There isn’t always a simple answer. Grief and depression can share some characteristics, and it is also possible to experience depression while you are grieving.
Understanding a little more about the two may help you make sense of what you’re experiencing – and recognise when you might benefit from some additional support.
Is it normal to feel depressed after someone dies?
People often use the word “depressed” to describe feeling extremely sad or low.
And intense sadness can certainly be part of grief.
After someone important to you dies, you might experience:
- overwhelming sadness
- crying
- exhaustion
- difficulty sleeping
- changes in appetite
- difficulty concentrating
- anger or irritability
- guilt
- loneliness
- loss of motivation
- feeling disconnected from other people
You might also find it difficult to enjoy things you once enjoyed.
None of these experiences automatically means that you have clinical depression.
Grief can affect us emotionally, physically and practically. It can influence our sleep, relationships, work, concentration and our sense of who we are.
What’s the difference between grief and depression?
There can be considerable overlap, which is why it isn’t always easy to distinguish between them.
One difference can be the way difficult feelings are experienced.
Grief often comes in waves.
You might have an extremely difficult morning and then find yourself laughing at something later that day. You might enjoy spending time with a friend and then suddenly be hit by sadness on the journey home.
A song, photograph, smell, anniversary or seemingly insignificant moment can bring grief rushing back.
At other times, you may feel relatively okay.
Depression can be more persistent. A person experiencing depression may have an ongoing low mood and lose interest or pleasure in things they would usually enjoy.
But there isn’t a neat dividing line.
Grief is individual. It doesn’t follow a predictable timetable, and having days or periods of intense sadness does not mean that you’re grieving incorrectly.
“But I was fine yesterday”
This can be one of the most confusing things about grief.
You may have a day when you cope surprisingly well.
Perhaps you go to work, see friends, laugh or even realise that you haven’t thought about your grief for an hour or two.
Then the following day feels unbearable.
It can seem as though you’re going backwards.
But grief isn’t usually a straight journey from feeling terrible to feeling better.
Your emotions can change from day to day, hour to hour and sometimes minute to minute.
Having a better day doesn’t mean you have “moved on”.
Having a difficult day afterwards doesn’t mean you’ve lost all your progress.
Can bereavement cause depression?
Yes. Grief and depression are different, but they can exist at the same time.
Bereavement is a major life event. Alongside the emotional impact of losing someone, you may also be coping with enormous changes to your everyday life.
Perhaps you’ve lost the person you talked to every day.
Your financial circumstances may have changed.
You may be parenting alone, living alone for the first time, dealing with paperwork, returning to work or caring for other family members who are also grieving.
Your sleep may be disrupted. Your routines may have disappeared. You might become more isolated.
For some people, all of this can contribute to depression.
Having depression after a bereavement doesn’t mean there is something wrong with the way you are grieving.
It means you may need some additional support.
Grief can affect your enjoyment of life too
Loss of interest or pleasure is often associated with depression, but grief can affect this too.
Things may simply not feel the same without the person who died.
A favourite television programme may remind you of watching it together.
A holiday might feel unimaginable without them.
You may go to a family celebration and be painfully aware of the person who should be there.
Sometimes enjoyment itself can bring complicated feelings.
You might laugh and then immediately feel guilty.
You may catch yourself having a good time and wonder:
How can I be enjoying myself when they’re dead?
Experiencing a moment of happiness does not mean you have forgotten the person who died or that they mattered any less.
Grief and enjoyment are able to exist alongside one another.
What about guilt?
Guilt is another experience that can appear in both grief and depression.
After a death, you might find yourself replaying events:
I should have noticed something was wrong.
I should have visited more.
Why did I say that?
Why didn’t I say this?
Could I have done something differently?
Sometimes we judge past decisions using information that we only have now.
It can help to ask yourself what you actually knew at the time, what was within your control and whether you would judge somebody else as harshly as you’re judging yourself.
If guilt is persistent, overwhelming or seriously affecting your wellbeing, talking it through with someone may help.
How long should grief last?
There is no timetable for grief.
You don’t need to have “got over it” by a particular date.
Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, family events and changes in your life can all bring grief to the surface again – sometimes years after a death.
Rather than asking whether you should have stopped grieving by now, it can sometimes be more useful to notice whether your experience is changing over time.
Are there moments when the grief feels a little less consuming?
Are you gradually finding ways to live alongside what has happened?
Can you sometimes connect with other people or things that matter to you?
The person who died can continue to matter enormously while your life gradually grows around the loss.
When might I need some extra help?
You don’t need to wait until you’ve reached crisis point before asking for support.
Consider speaking to your GP or another appropriate healthcare professional if your low mood is persistent, you’re struggling to cope, or how you’re feeling is significantly affecting your ability to manage everyday life.
It may be particularly important to seek additional support if you are experiencing persistent hopelessness, have lost interest in almost everything, are increasingly withdrawing from other people, or are struggling to look after yourself.
And you don’t have to decide for yourself whether what you’re experiencing is “grief” or “depression” before asking for help.
You can simply explain how you’ve been feeling.
What can help when grief feels very low?
There is no single way to grieve and no quick fix for the pain of losing somebody.
But when everything feels overwhelming, try to make your expectations of yourself smaller.
Focus on the next thing, rather than everything
Grief can make ordinary tasks feel enormous.
Instead of thinking about everything you need to do this week, think about the next manageable thing.
Have a shower.
Eat something.
Reply to one message.
Step outside for ten minutes.
Small things still count.
Stay connected where you can
You may not feel sociable, and you don’t have to surround yourself with people.
But prolonged isolation can make an already difficult time harder.
Connection could simply mean texting one person, having a cup of tea with somebody you trust or spending time with people who understand bereavement.
Look after the basics
Sleep, food, movement and routine can all be disrupted by grief.
You don’t need a perfect wellness routine.
Think about what might make today slightly easier: eating something nourishing, drinking enough water, getting some fresh air or going to bed at a reasonable time.
Let somebody know how you’re really doing
People may stop asking about your grief long before you stop experiencing it.
Sometimes we also become very good at answering, “I’m fine.”
If you’re struggling, consider telling somebody you trust what “not fine” actually looks like at the moment.
You don’t necessarily need them to fix anything.
Sometimes being heard matters.
You don’t have to work out whether your grief is “normal”
One of the hardest things about bereavement is that there is no universal version of it.
Two people can experience the same loss and respond very differently.
Even members of the same family may grieve in completely different ways.
Instead of measuring yourself against how you think grief is supposed to look, try to pay attention to your own experience.
How are you coping?
What feels particularly difficult?
What helps, even slightly?
And do you need more support than you have right now?
Those questions are often more useful than asking whether you’re grieving in the “right” way.
Support when you’re grieving
If you’re struggling with sadness or low mood following a bereavement, The Loss Foundation has resources to help you understand some of the emotions and experiences that can come with grief.
→ Read more about grief and depression
You can also explore our other free grief resources and support, including information, workshops and support groups for bereaved adults.
And if you’re concerned that you may be experiencing depression, speak to your GP or another appropriate healthcare professional.
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, having thoughts of harming yourself or feel unable to keep yourself safe, seek urgent help through NHS urgent mental health support or call 999 in an emergency.
Grief can feel extraordinarily heavy.
You don’t have to carry all of it without support.
Photo by Thierry Lemaitre on Unsplash
