Grief is often described as the pain of losing someone.
But for many people, grief also brings a collection of difficult emotions that can be harder to talk about.
Guilt.
Shame.
Regret.
Anger.
Fear.
And sometimes, a feeling that we are somehow not grieving “the right way”.
Many people find themselves thinking:
“Why am I still struggling?”
“Why can’t I just get through this?”
“Everyone else seems to be coping.”
These thoughts are common – but they can leave people feeling even more alone.
There is no perfect way to grieve
One of the hardest things about grief is that there is no instruction manual.
There is no exact timeline.
No correct order of emotions.
No point where someone can say:
“That’s enough. I’m finished grieving now.”
Yet many grieving people judge themselves against expectations that were never realistic in the first place.
They expect themselves to return to who they were before.
But after a significant loss, life has changed.
And adapting to that change takes time.
Understanding the compassionate mind
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) is an approach that helps us understand how we relate to ourselves during times of suffering.
It recognises that humans are wired for connection, safety, and survival.
When we experience something as painful as bereavement, our minds can sometimes respond with fear and criticism.
We may try to push feelings away.
We may tell ourselves to “get on with it”.
We may feel ashamed of needing support.
But these reactions are often signs of how much we are struggling – not signs that we are failing.
You can miss someone and still live your life
Many people worry that showing themselves compassion means they are letting go of the person they lost.
But grief is not about forgetting.
Compassion can allow us to hold two things at once:
“I am deeply affected by this loss.”
And:
“I am allowed to care for myself too.”
Both can be true.
Small moments of compassion
Self-compassion does not have to be a big transformation.
Sometimes it begins with small changes:
Speaking to yourself more gently.
Allowing difficult days without judgement.
Accepting support.
Recognising that grief is a reflection of love and attachment.
You might not always believe compassionate thoughts straight away.
That is okay.
Sometimes we practise kindness before we fully feel it.
You don’t have to carry everything alone
Grief can feel isolating, but connection matters.
Being heard by someone who understands can make a difference.
At The Loss Foundation, we support people affected by cancer loss through groups, resources, and shared understanding.
Because grief is something we carry – but it does not have to be carried completely alone.
Sign up below and we’ll email you when bookings open.
