If you’ve ever felt unsure what to say to someone who is grieving – or wondered if you’re “doing grief” the right way – you’re not alone.
In this podcast conversation, Dr Erin Hope Thompson MBE (Clinical Psychologist; Founder and Director of The Loss Foundation) reframes grief as something we don’t need to fix, diagnose, or rush. Instead, she invites us to understand grief as a normal response to loss — and to learn how to meet it with compassion, honesty and steadiness.
Below are the key takeaways.
1) We avoid grief because death forces us to face vulnerability
One reason we struggle as a society to talk about grief is simple: talking about death reminds us it will happen to us and to people we love.
Erin explains that many of us resist even engaging with that thought – even though it’s the “one guarantee”. When death feels too threatening to think about, grief becomes a topic we skirt around, soften, or silence.
The result is predictable: grieving people are left isolated.
Takeaway: Avoidance is cultural, not personal failure – but it has consequences.
2) There isn’t a “right way” to grieve
A powerful thread throughout the conversation is how differently people grieve – even within the same family, after the same death.
Erin is clear: you don’t choose your grief response. For many people it’s reflexive – shock, denial, numbness, tears, anger, or functioning on autopilot.
“You don’t get a choice.”
That line matters, because it removes shame. It also reduces the judgement that can show up in families and friendship groups when someone grieves differently.
Takeaway: Different doesn’t mean wrong. Grief varies because people vary.
3) Avoidance can help in the short term – but it can become a trap
Erin offers a memorable metaphor: emotions behave like pressure in a hydraulic system. If you never make room for grief, the pressure builds.
“That pipe’s going to burst somewhere else.”
In the early days, avoidance can be protective – it helps you get through the day. The risk is when avoidance becomes a long-term strategy: always staying busy, always seeking distraction, never letting the loss be real.
Takeaway: Short-term coping is normal. Long-term avoidance can keep you stuck.
4) The point isn’t to “get over it” – it’s to build a life around it
This is one of the most compassionate reframes in the episode.
Grief doesn’t end in a neat finish line. Erin describes grief as meaningful – a reflection of love and attachment – and suggests the goal is not erasing grief, but learning to live well while carrying it.
“Grief doesn’t have an end point.”
Takeaway: Healing isn’t deleting grief. It’s expanding life around it.
5) The “Dual Process Model” helps explain why we swing between grief and everyday life
A particularly practical section of the conversation introduces the Dual Process Model: we oscillate between two states:
- Loss-focused: feeling, remembering, crying, reflecting
- Restoration-focused: functioning, working, laughing, doing normal life
Both matter. Too much loss-focus all the time can become overwhelming; too much restoration with no loss-processing can become avoidance.
Takeaway: Oscillation is normal – and healthy – even if it looks messy.
6) Grief can be physical, cognitive, and surprisingly “symptom-like”
Erin normalises experiences many people don’t associate with grief:
- brain fog, confusion, poor concentration
- anxiety symptoms (racing heart, hypervigilance)
- intrusive memories and flashbacks (especially after traumatic circumstances)
- appetite changes and sleep disruption
She notes that people often fear they’re “going crazy” – when they’re experiencing normal grief responses.
Takeaway: Many “symptoms” are grief doing what grief does.
7) How to support someone: acknowledge, ask, and keep asking
One of the most actionable parts of the episode is Erin’s guidance for those supporting someone else.
At funerals: the grieving person may not remember what you said – but they will remember who showed up and who followed through.
In the weeks and months after: most people go quiet. Erin suggests a simple but powerful shift:
Instead of “How are you?” (which often gets “Fine”), try:
- “How are you doing today?”
- “How have you been coping?”
- “I’ve been thinking about you – how has it been?”
And yes – say the person’s name. Many grieving people feel pain when everyone stops mentioning them.
Takeaway: Be consistent. Be specific. Be the person who asks.
8) “Witnessing” matters more than “fixing”
A moment that will resonate with many: the instinct to reduce someone’s pain with logic, reassurance, or silver linings.
Erin challenges this gently. Grief isn’t a problem to solve; it’s an experience to be met.
“Don’t fix it, just witness it.”
This is a relief for supporters too – because it removes the pressure to find perfect words.
Takeaway: Your presence is often more valuable than your advice.
9) Why The Loss Foundation exists: a gap in cancer-bereavement support
Erin shares that bereavement “chose” her. After her father died from cancer when she was 22, she looked for cancer-specific support for her stepmum – and found there wasn’t any.
That gap became the beginning of The Loss Foundation: specialist support for people bereaved by cancer.
Takeaway: Specialist grief support exists because generic support isn’t always enough.
A final message for anyone grieving
If you take one thing from the episode, let it be this:
“You’re not alone.”
Grief can make you feel isolated – especially when people stop asking, when the funeral is over, when life moves on. Support exists, and you deserve it.
