Grief doesn’t have a deadline.
There is no point at which you should have stopped missing someone, no correct amount of time to feel sad, and no moment when you are expected to leave the person who died behind.
But sometimes grief can remain so intense and consuming that it becomes very difficult to adjust to life after the death.
You may feel as though everyone else has continued with their lives while you are still standing in the same place.
Perhaps thoughts about the person who died dominate your day. Maybe accepting that they are really gone still feels impossible. You might avoid anything that reminds you of them – or find yourself unable to think about anything else.
This is sometimes described as complicated grief or prolonged grief.
But what do those terms actually mean? And how do you know when grief might need some additional support?
What is complicated grief?
Complicated grief is a term that has commonly been used to describe grief that remains particularly intense and continues to significantly affect someone’s ability to live their everyday life.
You may also hear terms such as prolonged grief, persistent complex bereavement or prolonged grief disorder.
These terms aren’t simply another way of saying that somebody has been grieving for a long time.
That’s an important distinction.
Grief can remain part of our lives for years. We may always miss the person who died.
The question isn’t simply:
“Am I still grieving?”
It is more about the intensity and impact of the grief and whether, over time, you are finding ways to live alongside the loss.
What is prolonged grief disorder?
Prolonged grief disorder is a recognised mental health condition.
It describes a pattern in which grief remains extremely intense for an extended period and causes significant distress or problems with everyday functioning.
A diagnosis isn’t based simply on how long ago somebody died.
A healthcare professional would consider a range of factors, including the person’s symptoms, how severely they are affected, their circumstances and the cultural and social context in which they are grieving.
This matters because there is enormous variation in how people experience bereavement.
Grieving for a long time does not automatically mean you have prolonged grief disorder.
What can complicated or prolonged grief feel like?
Everyone’s experience is different, but some people describe feeling completely consumed by their grief.
You might experience:
- intense longing for the person who died
- persistent thoughts or memories of them
- difficulty accepting that the death really happened
- feeling as though part of you has died too
- difficulty imagining a meaningful future without them
- feeling disconnected from other people
- avoiding places, people or situations that remind you of the death
- finding reminders of the person almost impossible to tolerate
- feeling emotionally numb
- intense loneliness
- difficulty returning to everyday activities
- a sense that life has lost its meaning
Some people feel as though their life stopped when the other person’s did.
“I feel like everyone expects me to be over it”
One of the painful things about grief is that other people’s lives often return to normal much sooner than yours does.
Messages become less frequent.
People stop asking how you are.
The anniversary passes and perhaps nobody mentions it.
You return to work and may appear to be functioning normally from the outside.
But internally, the loss may still feel enormous.
This can create pressure to hide your grief or worry that you are taking too long.
There is no universal timetable for bereavement.
The fact that you still miss someone months or years after their death does not mean there is something wrong with you.
So when does grief become “complicated”?
This isn’t something that can be determined by an online checklist.
Grief can be extremely painful without being a mental health disorder.
Instead of focusing only on how long you have been grieving, it may be more useful to consider how your grief is affecting your life.
For example:
Has the intensity changed at all over time?
Are there moments when you are able to engage with other people or activities?
Are you able to manage the essential parts of everyday life?
Can you imagine a future that contains anything meaningful to you, even though it isn’t the future you wanted?
Or does the grief still feel as overwhelming and consuming as it did much earlier?
If you feel completely stuck, or grief is having a serious and persistent impact on your ability to function, it may be worth seeking professional support.
Why do some people experience prolonged grief?
There is rarely one simple explanation.
Grief is shaped by the person who died, our relationship with them, how they died, our previous experiences, the circumstances surrounding the death and what happens in our lives afterwards.
A death may be particularly difficult to process when it was sudden, unexpected or traumatic.
There may have been unanswered questions.
Perhaps you were unable to say goodbye.
You may have been caring for the person for a long time before they died.
The relationship itself may have been complicated.
Or perhaps the person who died was central to your identity, everyday life and sense of the future.
There can also be practical pressures after a death – financial problems, caring responsibilities, housing changes, work, legal processes or conflict within a family.
And some people simply have very little support around them.
Grief doesn’t happen in isolation from the rest of life.
What if I can’t accept that they’re gone?
People sometimes worry about what “accepting” a death means.
Acceptance doesn’t mean being okay with what happened.
It doesn’t mean approving of it, forgetting the person or deciding that you no longer mind that they’re gone.
It can mean gradually being able to recognise the reality that the person has died while continuing to have a relationship with their memory and what they meant to you.
For some people, that process takes a very long time.
You may understand intellectually that somebody has died while another part of you still expects to hear their key in the door, receive a message from them or see them in their usual chair.
Grief can take time to catch up with what we know.
Avoiding reminders of the person
After somebody dies, reminders can feel unbearable.
You may avoid photographs, certain rooms, music, places you visited together or conversations about the person.
Sometimes avoidance helps us get through a period when everything feels too raw.
But if your life gradually becomes organised around not encountering your grief, the number of things you feel able to do can become smaller and smaller.
At the other extreme, some people find it difficult to engage with anything that isn’t connected to the person who died.
Neither response makes you a bad or unsuccessful griever.
But if either is preventing you from living the life you want to live, additional support may help.
Feeling guilty about moving forward
Sometimes feeling stuck isn’t only about sadness.
Moving forward can itself feel frightening.
You might worry that enjoying yourself means you are leaving the person behind.
Changing the house might feel like erasing them.
Starting a new relationship may feel disloyal.
Making plans for the future can feel wrong when the person you expected to share that future with isn’t here.
But continuing to live does not reduce the significance of the person who died.
You don’t have to choose between remembering them and having a life.
Both can exist together.
What can help when grief feels stuck?
There is no universal solution, particularly when grief has become persistent and overwhelming.
But there are some things that may help.
Talk about what feels impossible
Sometimes there is a particular part of the loss that feels especially difficult to approach.
It might be the circumstances of the death, something left unsaid, guilt, anger or simply the reality that the person isn’t coming back.
Talking with somebody you trust – or with an appropriately qualified professional – can provide a space to explore those feelings rather than carrying them alone.
Take very small steps back into life
When grief has made your world smaller, the idea of “getting back to normal” can feel impossible.
Don’t aim for normal.
Start smaller.
Meet one person.
Walk to the end of the road.
Return to one activity.
Make one plan.
The aim isn’t to stop grieving.
It is to gradually make room for other parts of life alongside your grief.
Find ways to maintain a connection
Moving forward doesn’t require forgetting.
Some people find comfort in continuing a connection with the person who died.
You might talk about them, cook something they loved, visit somewhere meaningful, keep photographs around your home, mark their birthday or support a cause that mattered to them.
The relationship has changed, but the significance of that person doesn’t have to disappear.
Spend time with people who understand grief
Bereavement can be incredibly isolating, particularly when the people around you seem to have moved on.
Being with other bereaved people can offer something different.
There is often less need to explain why a particular date matters, why you still want to talk about the person or why grief has appeared unexpectedly on an otherwise ordinary day.
Sometimes simply realising “I’m not the only person who feels like this” can be powerful.
When should I seek professional help?
You don’t need to wait until you have a diagnosis before asking for support.
Consider speaking to your GP or an appropriately qualified mental health professional if your grief remains overwhelmingly intense, is seriously affecting your ability to function, or you feel unable to begin adapting to life following the death.
Professional support may also be particularly important if you are experiencing significant depression, anxiety, trauma symptoms or thoughts about harming yourself.
If you feel unable to keep yourself safe or are experiencing a mental health emergency, seek urgent help through NHS urgent mental health services or call 999 in an emergency.
Grief doesn’t have to disappear for life to grow around it
There is an idea that recovering from grief means gradually caring less about the person who died.
It doesn’t.
For many people, the aim isn’t to “get over” a loss.
It is to find a way of carrying it that leaves room for living too.
You can miss someone.
You can still have difficult days.
You can talk about them, remember them and wish desperately that they were still here.
And over time, your life can also begin to contain new experiences, relationships, routines and moments of enjoyment.
Those things do not cancel each other out.
If your grief feels completely stuck, asking for help isn’t a failure to grieve properly.
Sometimes support can help you find a way to carry what has happened while gradually reconnecting with the rest of your life.
Support from The Loss Foundation
The Loss Foundation provides free bereavement support, information and resources for adults who are grieving.
Our support is designed to give you a space where grief doesn’t need to be hidden, explained away or rushed.
You don’t have to stop missing someone in order to begin living alongside your loss.
Photo by Bruno Figueiredo on Unsplash
