What Is Grief?

One of the most important points Erin makes during the conversation is that grief is not a mental health condition.

Grief is a human experience.

At its core, grief is our response to losing something we are deeply attached to. Most commonly, that loss is the death of a loved one, but grief can also follow the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a change in health, or the loss of a future we had imagined for ourselves.

While sadness is often the emotion most associated with grief, it is only one part of the picture. Grief can affect our emotions, thoughts, behaviours, relationships, physical health and sense of identity. For many people, it touches almost every area of life.

Why Do We All Grieve Differently?

One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that there is a “correct” way to do it.

Even within the same family, people often respond very differently to the same loss.

This can be confusing. One person may cry openly, while another appears practical and focused. One person may want to talk constantly about the person who died, while another may become quiet and withdrawn.

Neither response is right or wrong.

We each bring our own personality, experiences, coping styles, support networks and life circumstances to grief. These factors shape how we respond, which means grief rarely looks the same from one person to another.

Recognising this can help reduce the tension and misunderstandings that sometimes arise within families after a bereavement.

Is There a Right or Wrong Way to Grieve?

According to Erin, the answer is largely no.

Grief is not something we consciously choose. The way we respond is often an automatic survival response to something life-changing and deeply painful.

Some people experience shock and numbness.

Others are overwhelmed by emotion immediately.

Some need company.

Others need space.

The important thing is not whether your grief looks a certain way, but whether you are eventually able to make room for the emotions that come with it.

One area to be mindful of is long-term avoidance. While avoiding painful feelings can be a very useful short-term coping strategy, continually pushing grief away may cause it to surface elsewhere later on.

As Erin explains, emotions do not simply disappear because we ignore them.

The Hidden Impact of Avoidance

Many of us instinctively try to avoid painful emotions.

We throw ourselves into work.

We stay busy.

We distract ourselves.

We seek pleasure wherever we can find it.

While these strategies can help us survive difficult periods, grief often asks us to do something uncomfortable: acknowledge what has happened and make room for the feelings that follow.

That doesn’t mean spending every waking moment immersed in sadness.

It simply means recognising that grief deserves space somewhere in our lives.

The challenge is finding a balance between processing the loss and continuing to engage with life.

What Is the Purpose of Grief?

Rather than something to “get over”, grief can be understood as a natural response to love.

As Erin puts it, the intensity of grief often reflects the significance of the relationship.

The reason it hurts so much is because the person, relationship or future we have lost mattered deeply.

The goal of grief is not to erase that pain or forget the person who died.

Instead, it is about learning how to carry that loss while still creating a life that contains meaning, connection and moments of joy.

Grieving More Than the Loss Itself

One of the most powerful insights from Erin’s conversation with Alberto is that grief is rarely just about the person who has died.

When someone we love dies, we often lose much more than the individual themselves.

We may lose:

• Our sense of security
• Future plans and dreams
• Family traditions
• Daily routines
• Parts of our identity
• Sources of advice, support and comfort
• A version of ourselves that existed when they were alive

This is particularly noticeable after a long illness.

During illnesses such as cancer, families often spend months or years in survival mode. Their focus is on appointments, treatments, medications and getting through each day. There is little opportunity to process what is happening in real time.

When the person dies, grief can suddenly open the door to everything that came before it.

People may find themselves processing not only the death itself, but also years of stress, fear, uncertainty and anticipatory grief.

As Erin explains, grief often includes a “butterfly effect” of losses. The death is one loss, but it creates many others.

For example, after losing a parent, someone may find themselves questioning:

• Who am I now?
• Am I still someone’s daughter or son?
• Who do I turn to for advice?
• What happens to family traditions now?

These questions are not signs that something is wrong.

They are part of the wider grief experience.

The Dual Process Model of Grief

Loss-Oriented Activities

These are the moments when we focus on the loss itself.

For example:

• Crying
• Looking at photographs
• Thinking about the person who died
• Talking about memories
• Feeling sadness, anger or longing
• Reflecting on what has changed

Restoration-Oriented Activities

These are the moments when we focus on living life.

For example:

• Returning to work
• Spending time with friends
• Exercising
• Learning new skills
• Engaging in hobbies
• Planning for the future

Many people worry that enjoying themselves means they are grieving incorrectly.

Others worry that continuing to think about the person means they are not “moving on.”

The Dual Process Model reminds us that both are important.

If we spend all of our time immersed in grief, it can become difficult to function.

If we spend all of our time avoiding grief, painful emotions often resurface later.

Instead, grief involves an ongoing movement between loss and restoration.

Some days we need to sit with our sadness.

Other days we need to go for a walk, meet a friend, laugh at a television programme or focus on work.

Neither is a betrayal of the other.

Both are part of learning how to live alongside loss.

Can Spirituality Help After Loss?

For some people, grief deepens their connection to spirituality or religion.

For others, it challenges it.

Many bereaved people find comfort in beliefs that help them maintain a connection with the person who has died. This may include:

• Prayer
• Religious practices
• Spiritual rituals
• Beliefs about an afterlife
• A sense that their loved one is still with them in some way

These beliefs can provide meaning, comfort and reassurance during an incredibly painful time.

However, grief can also raise difficult questions.

Some people find themselves wondering:

• Why did this happen?
• How could a loving God allow this?
• What do I believe now?

These questions are normal too.

There is no “correct” spiritual response to grief.

What matters is finding beliefs, practices or sources of meaning that help you feel connected, supported and able to navigate the reality of your loss.

As Erin reflected during the conversation, anything that helps someone process their grief, find peace and maintain a meaningful connection with the person who has died can be a valuable part of their journey.

If you’re interested in the topic of spirituality, you may want to learn more about grief and meditation.

Common Mental and Physical Symptoms of Grief

One of the reasons grief can feel so frightening is that many people don’t realise how many different ways it can affect us.

When most people think about grief, they think about sadness.

But grief can also affect our minds, bodies and behaviour.

Cognitive Symptoms

Many bereaved people describe:

• Brain fog
• Difficulty concentrating
• Forgetfulness
• Confusion
• Difficulty making decisions
• Feeling detached or disconnected

People often worry that they are “losing their mind” when these symptoms appear. In reality, they are some of the most common grief responses.

Physical Symptoms

Grief can also have a significant impact on the body.

Common physical symptoms include:

• Fatigue
• Sleep difficulties
• Reduced appetite
• Changes in eating habits
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Heart palpitations
• Stomach problems
• Restlessness

Anxiety and grief often go hand in hand, which is why people may experience symptoms such as a racing heart, feeling on edge or a heightened sense of threat.

Emotional Symptoms

Grief is rarely just sadness.

People may also experience:

• Anger
• Guilt
• Anxiety
• Fear
• Relief
• Numbness
• Loneliness
• Jealousy
• Confusion

All of these emotions can be part of a normal grief response.

Read more about the physical impact of grief

👉 How Long Does Grief Exhaustion Last?

👉Self-Care in Grief

How Long Does Grief Last?

One of the questions bereavement professionals are asked most frequently is:

“When will I stop grieving?”

The honest answer is that grief doesn’t have a clear finish line.

As Erin explains, grief is not a problem to solve or a task to complete.

It is a reflection of the significance of the relationship.

Because of that, grief often remains part of our lives forever.

That doesn’t mean it always feels the same.

Most people describe the early months as intense, overwhelming and all-consuming. Over time, many find that the rawness softens and they become better able to engage with everyday life.

The grief remains important.

The relationship remains meaningful.

But the way grief shows up often changes.

There may still be difficult days, particularly around anniversaries, birthdays and significant life events, but many people find that these moments become easier to navigate with time and support.

For more insight into this topic, you may want to read these blogs: Does Grief Ever End? Understanding How Grief Changes Over Time and Why Is My Grief Getting Worse Instead of Better?

Will I Ever Feel Like Myself Again?

Many bereaved people long to feel like the person they were before their loss.

Unfortunately, grief often changes us.

That doesn’t necessarily mean for the worse.

Life experiences shape all of us, and bereavement is one of the most significant experiences a person can go through.

Some people become more resilient.

Some develop greater compassion.

Others change priorities, relationships, careers or beliefs.

Many people talk about finding a “new normal” after loss.

Not because they stop loving or missing the person who died, but because they gradually build a life that incorporates their grief rather than trying to erase it.

The goal isn’t necessarily to become the person you were before.

It’s to discover who you are now and how you want to live moving forward.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Grief is a natural human response to loss.

That means not everyone who is grieving needs therapy.

However, support can be incredibly valuable.

Peer Support

One of the most powerful forms of support is often connecting with others who understand grief.

Speaking with people who have experienced a similar loss can reduce feelings of isolation and provide a space where grief can be spoken about openly.

This is one of the reasons organisations like The Loss Foundation exist: to bring grieving people together so they don’t have to navigate bereavement alone.

Professional Support

There may also be times when one-to-one support is helpful.

You may want to consider speaking to a professional if:

• You feel persistently stuck in your grief
• You’re struggling to function in daily life
• You cannot return to work or usual activities
• Distressing memories feel overwhelming
• Your mental health is significantly deteriorating
• You feel unable to cope on your own

Seeking support is not a sign that you are grieving incorrectly.

It is simply recognising that you deserve help with something incredibly difficult.

Why Are We So Uncomfortable Talking About Grief?

Despite being universal, grief remains one of the least discussed human experiences.

In many Western cultures, there is an unspoken expectation that people should remain strong, stay busy and avoid showing vulnerability.

This can leave grieving people feeling isolated and unsupported.

As Erin points out, many bereaved people experience a sudden drop in support after the funeral. Friends and family return to their lives, while the grieving person is left carrying the reality of their loss every day.

The result is often silence.

People stop asking questions.

The person’s grief becomes invisible.

Yet what many grieving people want most is simply acknowledgement.

Someone to ask.

Someone to listen.

Someone to remember.

The more openly we talk about grief, the easier it becomes for people to access the support and understanding they need.

Should We Talk More Openly About Death?

According to Erin, yes.

One reason people avoid conversations about death is because it forces us to acknowledge our own mortality and the mortality of those we love.

That can feel uncomfortable.

But avoiding these conversations doesn’t stop death from happening.

Instead, it often leaves people feeling unprepared when loss eventually arrives.

Talking openly about death doesn’t mean dwelling on it.

It means creating space for honest conversations about something that will touch all of our lives.

For Erin, working in bereavement has reinforced how precious life is.

It has encouraged her to express love more freely, appreciate the people around her and avoid taking time for granted.

While conversations about death can feel difficult, they can also deepen our appreciation of life.

Talking to Children About Death and Loss

Many adults worry about saying the wrong thing when talking to children about death.

As a result, the conversation is often avoided altogether.

However, children are naturally curious. They encounter death through books, television, films, school experiences and, sometimes, personal bereavements. Avoiding the topic entirely can leave them confused or with unanswered questions.

The good news is that children do not need perfect answers.

They need honest, age-appropriate ones.

Use Clear and Concrete Language

One of the most common mistakes adults make is using euphemisms such as:

• “They’ve gone to sleep.”
• “They’re in the clouds.”
• “We’ve lost them.”

While these phrases are often well-intentioned, they can be confusing for children, particularly younger ones who tend to think very literally.

Instead, use simple and concrete language:

“Their body stopped working and they died.”

“They were very ill and the doctors couldn’t make their body better.”

This helps children understand what has happened without creating unnecessary confusion or fear.

Follow the Child’s Lead

Children rarely need a lengthy explanation all at once.

Often, they ask questions in small pieces as they try to make sense of the world around them.

Answer the question they have asked rather than overwhelming them with information they weren’t seeking.

Sometimes they may ask a question, receive an answer and then go back to playing five minutes later. This is completely normal.

Children tend to process grief in smaller bursts than adults.

Reassure Without Avoiding

If a child becomes worried after learning about death, it can be tempting to avoid the conversation altogether.

Instead, acknowledge their concerns while offering appropriate reassurance.

For example:

“Yes, people do die, but Mummy and Daddy are healthy and there is nothing you need to worry about right now.”

The goal is to provide honest information without creating unnecessary anxiety.

Helping Children Process Their Grief

Children often express grief differently from adults.

Rather than talking at length about their feelings, they may communicate through play, drawing, stories or behaviour.

That means adults sometimes need to be creative in helping children express what they are experiencing.

Drawing Feelings

For younger children, drawing can be a powerful way to explore emotions.

You might ask:

• What feeling are you having today?
• Can you draw that feeling?
• What colour would that feeling be?
• Where do you feel it in your body?

These conversations can help children build emotional awareness and language.

Memory Activities

Many children find comfort in maintaining a connection with the person who has died.

This might include:

• Creating a memory box
• Looking through photographs together
• Sharing favourite stories
• Writing letters to the person
• Drawing pictures of special memories

These activities help children understand that while someone may no longer be physically present, they can still remain an important part of their lives.

Is Humour Helpful in Grief?

When people think about grief, they often imagine sadness and tears.

What they don’t always expect is laughter.

Yet humour can play an important role in grief.

This doesn’t mean making light of loss or pretending everything is okay.

Rather, it means recognising that grief and humour can coexist.

Many bereaved people laugh while sharing stories about the person they have lost.

Others find comfort in dark humour, particularly when it reflects the reality of how they are feeling.

As Erin explains, much of the language surrounding grief can feel overly formal and disconnected from people’s lived experiences.

After all, many grieving people are not thinking:

“My condolences.”

They are thinking:

“This is absolutely awful.”

Humour can sometimes create a sense of connection, authenticity and relief amidst difficult emotions.

It reminds us that grief is not just sadness.

It is love, memory, personality, relationships and the full complexity of being human.

What To Do in the First Few Days After a Loss

When someone dies, people often feel pressure to cope well or know what to do.

The reality is much simpler.

In the earliest days of grief, your primary job is survival.

Focus on the Basics

When people are grieving, they often struggle to:

• Eat
• Sleep
• Drink enough water
• Leave the house
• Follow routines

Yet these are the very things that help our minds and bodies cope with stress.

As simple as it sounds, Erin’s advice is to focus on the fundamentals:

• Eat what you can.
• Sleep when you can.
• Get some fresh air.
• Accept help when it’s offered.

You do not need to solve your grief.

You only need to get through today.

Let the Feelings Come

Many people try to push their emotions away in the hope that this will make things easier.

In reality, grief tends to demand attention eventually.

If tears come, let them come.

If anger comes, acknowledge it.

If today feels impossible, be honest about that too.

There is no prize for pretending you’re okay when you’re not.

The invitation is simply to go with whatever emotion is present in that moment.

Because where you are today is where you are today.

Sleep, Alcohol and Looking After Yourself While Grieving

One of the most overlooked aspects of grief is the impact it has on our physical wellbeing.

When someone we love dies, our minds and bodies are placed under enormous stress. It is therefore unsurprising that many people struggle with sleep, appetite, concentration and energy levels.

Yet these are often the very things we need most.

Sleep Difficulties Are Extremely Common

Many bereaved people find that nights are the hardest part of the day.

During the day, there may be distractions, responsibilities and other people around. But when the house becomes quiet, grief often becomes louder.

Thoughts, memories and worries can rush in the moment our head hits the pillow.

As a result, people may experience:

• Difficulty falling asleep
• Frequent waking
• Vivid dreams
• Nightmares
• Early morning waking
• Exhaustion despite sleeping

This is a very normal response to grief.

If sleep difficulties become severe or prolonged, it may be worth speaking to your GP about additional support. Needing help with sleep is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that your body is under strain and deserves care.

What About Alcohol?

When sleep becomes difficult, some people turn to alcohol to help them relax or fall asleep.

While this may appear to work in the short term, alcohol often disrupts the quality of sleep later in the night.

It may help someone fall asleep more quickly, but it tends to reduce the restorative sleep our brains and bodies need.

Alcohol can also:

• Intensify low mood
• Increase anxiety
• Reduce emotional resilience
• Delay healthy processing of emotions

For these reasons, alcohol is generally not recommended as a coping strategy during grief.

That doesn’t mean people should judge themselves if they find themselves relying on it at times. Instead, the goal is to gently reduce dependence on anything that ultimately leaves us feeling worse.

Nourishment Matters

Some people lose their appetite completely after a bereavement.

Others find comfort in food.

Both responses are understandable.

The key thing is ensuring your body receives enough nourishment to function.

You do not need a perfect diet while grieving.

You do not need to be cooking elaborate meals.

You simply need enough food and fluid to help your body survive a period of significant emotional stress.

Small steps matter.

A sandwich is better than nothing.

A piece of toast is better than nothing.

A glass of water is better than nothing.

Looking after yourself does not remove the grief, but it does give your body the resources it needs to carry it.

Learn more on the topic of looking after yourself by reading our past blogs on self care in grief.

The Jar Model of Grief

Does the Grief Disappear?

No.

The Jar Model does not suggest that grief disappears.

Instead, it suggests that over time, we gradually build more life around it.

The grief remains meaningful.

The relationship remains important.

But the jar grows.

New experiences, relationships, interests and moments of joy begin to sit alongside the grief.

This doesn’t mean someone is “moving on” from the person they loved.

It means they are learning how to carry that loss while continuing to live.

What Else Is in Your Jar?

The model also encourages reflection.

Rather than focusing solely on grief, we can ask:

• What helps me feel connected?
• What brings me comfort?
• Who supports me?
• What activities make life feel meaningful?

Over time, these things begin to take up space alongside grief.

Not instead of grief.

Alongside it.

A Helpful Journaling Exercise

If the Jar Model resonates with you, consider spending a few minutes each week reflecting on the question:

“What’s currently in my jar?”

You might write down:

• People who support you
• Activities you enjoy
• Things that help you cope
• Challenges you’re carrying
• Moments of gratitude
• Memories you want to hold onto

Looking back over time can reveal patterns and remind you of the things that help you feel most like yourself.

Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving

Many people want to help a grieving friend, family member or colleague.

The problem is that they often worry about saying the wrong thing.

As a result, they say nothing at all.

Yet one of the strongest messages throughout Erin’s conversation is that acknowledgement matters far more than perfection.

You do not need the perfect words.

You do not need to fix the grief.

You simply need to show up.

The Most Helpful Thing You Can Say

Rather than:

“Let me know if you need anything.”

Try:

“How are you coping today?”

Or:

“I’ve been thinking about you. How have things been?”

These questions acknowledge that grief still exists.

They give permission for honesty.

And they remind the grieving person that they have not been forgotten.

Grief Doesn’t End After the Funeral

One of the hardest experiences many bereaved people describe is the sudden drop in support after the funeral.

In the early days, there may be:

• Cards
• Flowers
• Messages
• Visitors

But weeks and months later, much of that support disappears.

Meanwhile, the grief remains.

This is why ongoing check-ins matter so much.

The people who are remembered most fondly are rarely those who said something profound.

They are often the people who simply kept asking.

Who remembered anniversaries.

Who continued to acknowledge the loss long after everyone else had moved on.

You Don’t Need to Fix It

Perhaps the most important lesson for supporters is this:

You do not need to make the grief go away.

You do not need to find a silver lining.

You do not need to convince someone to feel better.

Your role is to witness, not fix.

To listen, not solve.

To sit alongside someone in their pain and remind them they do not have to carry it alone.

What to Say at a Funeral (And Afterwards)

One of the questions Alberto explored during the conversation was how we can best support someone who is grieving.

Many people feel paralysed by the fear of saying the wrong thing.

As a result, they either avoid the grieving person altogether or rely on familiar phrases such as:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “At least they’re no longer suffering.”
• “They’re in a better place.”
• “Time heals.”

While usually well-intentioned, these phrases can sometimes leave grieving people feeling unseen or misunderstood.

At the Funeral

The reality is that most people remember very little about what was said to them on the day of a funeral.

They are often overwhelmed, exhausted and simply trying to get through the day.

What matters most is your presence.

A simple:

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m thinking of you.”

“I’m here if you need me.”

can be enough.

If you offer support, try to be specific and realistic about what you can provide.

The most meaningful support is often the support that actually arrives.

In the Weeks and Months Afterwards

This is where support becomes particularly important.

While the rest of the world begins to return to normal, the grieving person’s world often feels permanently changed.

One of the simplest and most powerful things you can do is continue checking in.

Try asking:

• How have you been?
• How are you coping?
• How are things feeling at the moment?
• I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing?

Notice how these questions are different from:

“How are you?”

Most people answer that question automatically with:

“Fine.”

Questions about coping acknowledge that something difficult has happened and create space for a more honest response.

Don’t Be Afraid to Mention Their Loved One

How to Support a Grieving Employee

Bereavement does not stay at home when someone returns to work.

People bring their grief into meetings, inboxes, deadlines and conversations with colleagues.

This means workplaces have an important role to play in supporting bereaved employees.

Why Workplace Support Matters

Supporting bereaved employees isn’t simply the compassionate thing to do.

It’s also good for organisations.

When employees feel unsupported, organisations may see:

• Increased absenteeism
• Reduced productivity
• Burnout
• Higher staff turnover
• Lower morale

When employees feel valued and supported, they are more likely to remain engaged and committed to their workplace.

Create Space for Conversation

One of the most valuable things a manager can do is acknowledge what has happened.

A simple conversation can make a significant difference:

“How are you feeling about returning?”

“What support would be helpful?”

“Is there anything we can do to make this easier?”

Rather than making assumptions, employers should invite employees to share what they need.

Consider a Phased Return

Many people benefit from gradually returning to work rather than jumping straight back into full-time responsibilities.

This might include:

• Reduced hours
• Flexible working arrangements
• Temporary workload adjustments
• Additional breaks
• Regular check-ins

There is no one-size-fits-all approach.

Some people find work helpful because it provides structure, routine and purpose.

Others need more time before they feel ready to return.

The key is flexibility.

Keep Checking In

Support shouldn’t end after the first week back.

Grief evolves over time.

Regular check-ins help employees feel seen and provide opportunities to adjust support if needed.

A simple conversation can make an enormous difference.

The One Message Erin Wants Every Grieving Person to Hear

At the end of the conversation, Alberto asked Erin what single message she would most want every grieving person to hear.

Her answer was simple:

You are not alone.

Grief can be one of the most isolating experiences a person will ever face.

It can feel as though everyone else has moved on while you are still carrying the weight of your loss.

It can feel as though nobody understands.

It can feel as though you are the only person experiencing the thoughts, emotions and challenges that grief brings.

But you are not alone.

Millions of people are navigating grief every day.

And there are organisations, communities and support networks dedicated to helping people through it.

The Loss Foundation exists because nobody should have to face grief in isolation.

Final Thoughts

If there is one theme that runs throughout Erin’s conversation with Alberto, it is this:

Grief is not something to fix.

It is not a problem to solve.

It is not a weakness.

It is not a mental health condition.

It is a deeply human response to losing something or someone we love.

There is no perfect way to grieve.

There is no universal timeline.

There is no single path through loss.

But there are things that can help.

Being honest about your emotions.

Taking care of your basic needs.

Seeking support when you need it.

Allowing yourself moments of joy alongside moments of sadness.

And remembering that grief and love are inextricably connected.

The depth of our grief often reflects the depth of our connection.

That is why it hurts.

And that is also why it matters.

Need Support?

The Loss Foundation provides free support groups, workshops, courses and resources for adults bereaved by cancer.

Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, support is available.

Explore our support services, resources and upcoming events, or sign up to our newsletter to hear about future webinars, training and bereavement support opportunities.

Because grief may be universal, but it was never meant to be carried alone.